Becoming a Mom of two, was harder than i expected! The transition from a Mom of one into a Mom of two is not an overnight process.
Our first month as a family of four started off well, Keston met his little Sister at home after Play School, he was so excited and reached out to hug and kiss her. As a Mother, these tender moments fill your heart with such a joy! Keston is a gentle soul, he loves other kids and plays well. I hardly get called to separate a fight between him and another child at a social gathering.
We did our best to stick to Keston's routine in the evening with dinner, bath and bed.
However with a newborn, i found myself mostly sitting, breastfeeding every hour while Nick took control of the well - being of our toddler. Thankfully Harper Rose is a calm baby, she slept well after being fed which then gave me a chance to later that evening join Keston and Nick for bed time.
Unfortunately our toddler refused to sleep on the first night home, he started to get frustrated and stayed awake from 20:00pm until 22:00pm. He then proceeded to cry and scream the house down, i began to worry about the lack of sleep all three of us were now getting and soon Harper Rose would wake up for a feed or from the toddler terrible tantrum.
By midnight we still had no luck calming Keston, he kept running to Harper Rose cot to pull it and later stole her pacifier.
After a sleepless night, i called my dad, a cousin and a friend i trust for advice, they individually explained to me that Keston's behavior was completely normal and that he needs both Nick and i now more than ever. My cousin suggested that i give him back his pacifier as it was once his calming aid for sleep time and my dad offered to fetch Keston for the day, so i could get some much needed sleep.
I cried later that day, all i thought about was my crying toddler's face and how disappointed i felt. Nick supported and held me, he explained that it's only been a few hours, lets give it some time. Keston was much better after he got his pacifier back, he slept well after a bedtime story and enjoyed waking up each morning to greet his little Sister and I.
To make things easy for Keston to sleep through the night without any disturbance, i broke his big boy room into a nursery for Harper and i to sleep in. Of course i missed Nick, but this was necessary until Keston would get used to the idea of having a little baby cry for her feeds. Two weeks later the South African nationwide lock down started due to COVID - 19.
As a Mom, stuck at home in a messy space with her family, i longed to find my balance.
I could not get things done on time like i could before, even with the assistance of a wonderful husband, i still wanted that "me" time i had as a Mom of one! I missed that person i once was, the one who would wake up early to tackle the day, prepare breakfast, hang out the laundry and take a drive with the toddler! Please do not get me, wrong! I love my daughter and prayed for her. Unfortunately i am not perfect, my hormones are all over the place and i am allowed to feel frustrated.
Being indoors just over a month, i feel robbed of precious time to bond with my little girl alone, the house is messy, busy and noisy during the day. At night i wake two to three times to feed depending on Harper Rose need, sometimes she has a trapped wind preventing her from sleeping resulting in me, getting little to no sleep. I have become a little unsettled in my new life as a Mom of two, i have cried many times on Nick's shoulder as though i have failed him and the kids. The postpartum depression has crept in, making me feel like a disaster.
I can't get anything done right, i cry for silly or no reasons and end up taking out my frustration on Nick and the kids. This makes me feel like a failure as Mom and Wife, I felt as if my family would be better off without me, this is a lie, my family loves me, they understand i am not perfect and that each day we can start over. Two kids crying at once and the endless nappy changes will soon balance out.
I am now starting a journey to heal, discover and become a better version of me.
The love i have for Nick and our kids is endless, there is no mother better than me for my family.
Until Next Time,
Love & Blessings
Lana T